Insanity or Just Insane . .

So quietly  .  I have decided to start my journey towards Insanity.

Insanity is the killer 60 day workout that is "supposed" to transform your body . . . and boy .  . do I need it.

Tonight . . I started Day 1 . . and the "warmup" almost killed me .. but I felt great once I hobbled through it.  It sucks having to be semi quiet  . . as I have a sleeping child and I live on the second floor of a condo building.  But oh well . . this is necessary  . ..

I kind of feel like I can commit to these days . . I may be on to something . . Discipline has NEVER been my thing . . . I'm too all over the place . .PLUS I can't remember to do the same thing over and over most of the time. LOL!

At any rate, I am starting  . . may God be with me . . . Summer is around the corner and I am NOT going to let the last TWO years define 2011 . .  . Drama and sadness are out the door . .

I am blessed and protected by my Lord . . there is no need to doubt or fear . .

Besides its so not a good look . .

Let's do it.

New Years Revisited . . .

So since I went out of town for New Years . . I had to actually start 2011 about a week late . . .

It has been 2 years since I have felt somewhat normal . . like myself . . soooooo . . I decided that I was reclaiming my individuality starting this year.  2011 is going to be like a rebirth - an acceptance of this NEW life . . . sure . .I should have already swallowed that pill . . but yeah . . I didnt.  And I hadn't.

But as of last Sunday, I decided that I was going to make it happen . . with a few parameters.  But making it happen is the goal.  No one else is going to do . . I can't wait for my family . .. my friends . . my co-workers or anyone else to make it happen.  It's on me.  As is everything else in my life.

So I'm getting my house in order . . getting my finances in order . ..  getting my body back . . . taking care of my health . .  ALL the things I have neglected for the past 2 years.  It's over.  The pity party has ended.  No more takers.  At least not at my house.

Going to rock this joint . ..  watch out Summer 2011.  I'm coming back.

And scene.

So I decided to come back to this . . .

I have been struggling with writing for a variety of reasons . ..  whether it be time . .. content . . . or even just plain ole' "I dont want to write out my feelings 'cause then they are really real" -like -ish.

But oh well . . here we are .. . I have decided to admit that I have a long way to go on this road to recovery . ..  I often find myself locked in my head . . . roving through the day . . moving things from place to place but not resolving them.  I am not sad, by any means, but there is a strong sense of melancholy that permeates my space time to time.  But I am a mom . . and there is no room for that  . . . so under the rug it goes . . hence the long road.

Prayer saves . .  but even with it . . the mind wanders .. .

Oh well . . this is my 1st step in getting it out .

Breathing now . . . love my baby . . that's it and that's all.

Nights like this I wish . . .

So . . . I'm tired.

I was not meant to do this alone.  So I am not . .  I am leaning on God.

hmmm. . . I am stymied . . there are soooo many things I want to write about . .  and I feel trapped, isolated . . and wordless.

I continue to struggle with the idea that I am all alone on this one  . . . it permeates my thoughts and spirits constantly . . . I can not explain the depths that my mind goes to . . time and time again . .

I refuse to believe this is it . . or better yet . . . I refuse to accept that it is what it is . . .  it sounds like such a cop out . . God has more for me than my mind can ever imagine . . .

The bottom line . . . I am a lover . .  in spite of all the odds.  I will get through this . . God will see me through this.. and what is mine . . no one can take from me . .

Wow . . how I love my baby. .  . . and I hope you do too . . .

Dealing . . or Not?

My baby is here . . the funny thing is  . . I thought that when he came . . things would change . .. why did i think that  . . i thought. . oh it will be easier for me to digest . . it will be easier because it will be real . .. it will be easier to deal with it all . . the co-creator would be easier to deal with . . . uhhh  . . no.

None of it . . is easy . . in fact, it's harder. .  the hardest thing I have done thus far . .  it really is a cluster.

Dealing with the newness of motherhood, the loss of my OWN mother, the loss of my freedom, the loss of the triune . . . ha . . really.

Please don't get me wrong . .. I love him . . to pieces . . I mean . . he is of ME . . he looks like ME  . .. he  is ME.  But ohhhh . . he is of someone else too . . and I see it . . everyday .. wow .. thats a powerful reminder to have EVERY SINGLE DAY AND EVERY WAKING MOMENT.

But the good part, perhaps the best part . . is i am growing in my faith . . I have no one else to turn to  . . but HIM . . God.  And that is the ONLY way HE would have it.

Loving in spite of . . .

So . . part of me wonders why I give a fuck . . why I care . . And I realize I am nothing but a product of my environment . . . the nurturing spirit of my grandmother and my aunts have permeated my soul in a way . . that conditions me to accept apoligies . .. to accept people where they are . . to accept substandard behavior . . wow.  What a mess that can get me into and HAS gotten me into. .

I used to say "oh its the sociologist in me . . to study the WHY people do the things they do?"  but in the last year or so  . . . I cant even utilize science or the study of to explain this type of behavior.

The best, said facetiously, part of this . . . is that I have cloaked it in the safe armor of love.  When you love someone you accept them as they are . . you work with them . . . you love over, under, through, and WITH them . . . but Love?  LOVE???  really .  . .

I think God said it best . . .

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4

I am working on getting to that place . . . every time, I think I am there . . my ego . . my pride . . jumps OUT and attacks . . . because this shit hurts.

As I meditate on the change in my life . . . the addition to my life . . it is NOT a situation that I have to work through  . . it is not a situation that I have to explain to anyone . .. even though I may FEEL like it is.  To call it a situation implies that it is something that "happened" to me and I had no hand . . no choice in the matter.  In fact, I did . . I did choose this way because anything else would have been to deny me and deny my God ordained pathway.  However, God did not say it would not be hard.  He did not say that it will be all good.  In fact, going into this . . I knew  . . I knew there would be the devil working overtime to make this choice a difficult one.

In spite of ALL that . . i am choosing to love . . I am choosing to forgive . . myself . . and my transgressors.

I don't have any other recourse other than to move forward . . there is something greater than myself that deserves the attention . . .

And best . . I will continue to love in spite of . . I will love you through this . . I will.  Even though no one else will . . .