Nights like this I wish . . .

So . . . I'm tired.

I was not meant to do this alone.  So I am not . .  I am leaning on God.

hmmm. . . I am stymied . . there are soooo many things I want to write about . .  and I feel trapped, isolated . . and wordless.

I continue to struggle with the idea that I am all alone on this one  . . . it permeates my thoughts and spirits constantly . . . I can not explain the depths that my mind goes to . . time and time again . .

I refuse to believe this is it . . or better yet . . . I refuse to accept that it is what it is . . .  it sounds like such a cop out . . God has more for me than my mind can ever imagine . . .

The bottom line . . . I am a lover . .  in spite of all the odds.  I will get through this . . God will see me through this.. and what is mine . . no one can take from me . .

Wow . . how I love my baby. .  . . and I hope you do too . . .

Dealing . . or Not?

My baby is here . . the funny thing is  . . I thought that when he came . . things would change . .. why did i think that  . . i thought. . oh it will be easier for me to digest . . it will be easier because it will be real . .. it will be easier to deal with it all . . the co-creator would be easier to deal with . . . uhhh  . . no.

None of it . . is easy . . in fact, it's harder. .  the hardest thing I have done thus far . .  it really is a cluster.

Dealing with the newness of motherhood, the loss of my OWN mother, the loss of my freedom, the loss of the triune . . . ha . . really.

Please don't get me wrong . .. I love him . . to pieces . . I mean . . he is of ME . . he looks like ME  . .. he  is ME.  But ohhhh . . he is of someone else too . . and I see it . . everyday .. wow .. thats a powerful reminder to have EVERY SINGLE DAY AND EVERY WAKING MOMENT.

But the good part, perhaps the best part . . is i am growing in my faith . . I have no one else to turn to  . . but HIM . . God.  And that is the ONLY way HE would have it.

Loving in spite of . . .

So . . part of me wonders why I give a fuck . . why I care . . And I realize I am nothing but a product of my environment . . . the nurturing spirit of my grandmother and my aunts have permeated my soul in a way . . that conditions me to accept apoligies . .. to accept people where they are . . to accept substandard behavior . . wow.  What a mess that can get me into and HAS gotten me into. .

I used to say "oh its the sociologist in me . . to study the WHY people do the things they do?"  but in the last year or so  . . . I cant even utilize science or the study of to explain this type of behavior.

The best, said facetiously, part of this . . . is that I have cloaked it in the safe armor of love.  When you love someone you accept them as they are . . you work with them . . . you love over, under, through, and WITH them . . . but Love?  LOVE???  really .  . .

I think God said it best . . .

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4

I am working on getting to that place . . . every time, I think I am there . . my ego . . my pride . . jumps OUT and attacks . . . because this shit hurts.

As I meditate on the change in my life . . . the addition to my life . . it is NOT a situation that I have to work through  . . it is not a situation that I have to explain to anyone . .. even though I may FEEL like it is.  To call it a situation implies that it is something that "happened" to me and I had no hand . . no choice in the matter.  In fact, I did . . I did choose this way because anything else would have been to deny me and deny my God ordained pathway.  However, God did not say it would not be hard.  He did not say that it will be all good.  In fact, going into this . . I knew  . . I knew there would be the devil working overtime to make this choice a difficult one.

In spite of ALL that . . i am choosing to love . . I am choosing to forgive . . myself . . and my transgressors.

I don't have any other recourse other than to move forward . . there is something greater than myself that deserves the attention . . .

And best . . I will continue to love in spite of . . I will love you through this . . I will.  Even though no one else will . . .

As for me . . I am following the Lord.

I am not sure why I am struggling with my writing  .  . . I mean, of course, I know . . but I know that there will be comfort in finding the right words but somehow . . they just aren't coming . . .

I am stymied by this turn of events and continue to work on wrapping my arms around my new space . .  my new experience . . . and my new way of thinking . . .

Pray for me . . .  as I will pray for you . . .

Writing Wrongs . . .

So how does one correct one's steps . . . There are often times when we make decisions or do things that we instantly regret.

I had one of those moments this week . . . my emotions were high . . my feelings were raw . . . and like an inexperienced young lady . . I gave up control to hot headed feelings that should have been controlled.  It came from a place of hurt . . of longing for what I can't have . . and won't or can't be given to me . .  Damn, this is so complicated . . . I wish everything could be on the table and a definitive answer given, decided upon and moved on.  I am soo much more better in that environment . .but . .  just can't see it . . .

Whatever . .

The effect of that on the other person was something I did not consider . .  the aftershocks of my behaviour was not anywhere in sight . .  even though both of our actions got us here . . . but i can't worry about them . . i can acknowledge my own wrong . . .

I dont know if its fixable .. .the worst part of it was  ..  it was on the heels of a wonderful life changing experience - the birth of my son.  The support, the love, it was above and beyond any thing that I could have ever imagined . .

What do you say . . . I'm sorry . . or better yet, what do you say when you ALREADY know . . I'm sorry won't cut it for the person the action was exacted upon?

I am more confused today than ever before . . but it is necessary to shift focus . . so I shall . .

GCL.  .. GCL . .. GCL.  ..

done.

So no go . . still . . havent heard a peep . .

Not sure how I feel . . my child is entering the world in the next few weeks . . . what I do know is that this will seal the deal . . .

We can go easy . . or we can go hard . . .

If we go hard . . its on.

Lord . . please make this easy . . . I dont wanna be hard . . it hurts too much.

Getting this party started right . . .

I am back . . after a long time away . . this is the place to express and do ME . . without the fateful eyes watching . .

without self blame or self contempt

without fear .. .

and definitely without judgment.

There are two of me now . . the one who mothers and the mother who is one.

This is the place where the mother who is one and HAS won resides . . .

Keepin it 1000 . . . .