hmmm. . . I am stymied . . there are soooo many things I want to write about . .  and I feel trapped, isolated . . and wordless.

I continue to struggle with the idea that I am all alone on this one  . . . it permeates my thoughts and spirits constantly . . . I can not explain the depths that my mind goes to . . time and time again . .

I refuse to believe this is it . . or better yet . . . I refuse to accept that it is what it is . . .  it sounds like such a cop out . . God has more for me than my mind can ever imagine . . .

The bottom line . . . I am a lover . .  in spite of all the odds.  I will get through this . . God will see me through this.. and what is mine . . no one can take from me . .

Wow . . how I love my baby. .  . . and I hope you do too . . .

Dealing . . or Not?

My baby is here . . the funny thing is  . . I thought that when he came . . things would change . .. why did i think that  . . i thought. . oh it will be easier for me to digest . . it will be easier because it will be real . .. it will be easier to deal with it all . . the co-creator would be easier to deal with . . . uhhh  . . no.

None of it . . is easy . . in fact, it's harder. .  the hardest thing I have done thus far . .  it really is a cluster.

Dealing with the newness of motherhood, the loss of my OWN mother, the loss of my freedom, the loss of the triune . . . ha . . really.

Please don't get me wrong . .. I love him . . to pieces . . I mean . . he is of ME . . he looks like ME  . .. he  is ME.  But ohhhh . . he is of someone else too . . and I see it . . everyday .. wow .. thats a powerful reminder to have EVERY SINGLE DAY AND EVERY WAKING MOMENT.

But the good part, perhaps the best part . . is i am growing in my faith . . I have no one else to turn to  . . but HIM . . God.  And that is the ONLY way HE would have it.