As for me . . I am following the Lord.

I am not sure why I am struggling with my writing  .  . . I mean, of course, I know . . but I know that there will be comfort in finding the right words but somehow . . they just aren't coming . . .

I am stymied by this turn of events and continue to work on wrapping my arms around my new space . .  my new experience . . . and my new way of thinking . . .

Pray for me . . .  as I will pray for you . . .

Writing Wrongs . . .

So how does one correct one's steps . . . There are often times when we make decisions or do things that we instantly regret.

I had one of those moments this week . . . my emotions were high . . my feelings were raw . . . and like an inexperienced young lady . . I gave up control to hot headed feelings that should have been controlled.  It came from a place of hurt . . of longing for what I can't have . . and won't or can't be given to me . .  Damn, this is so complicated . . . I wish everything could be on the table and a definitive answer given, decided upon and moved on.  I am soo much more better in that environment . .but . .  just can't see it . . .

Whatever . .

The effect of that on the other person was something I did not consider . .  the aftershocks of my behaviour was not anywhere in sight . .  even though both of our actions got us here . . . but i can't worry about them . . i can acknowledge my own wrong . . .

I dont know if its fixable .. .the worst part of it was  ..  it was on the heels of a wonderful life changing experience - the birth of my son.  The support, the love, it was above and beyond any thing that I could have ever imagined . .

What do you say . . . I'm sorry . . or better yet, what do you say when you ALREADY know . . I'm sorry won't cut it for the person the action was exacted upon?

I am more confused today than ever before . . but it is necessary to shift focus . . so I shall . .

GCL.  .. GCL . .. GCL.  ..

done.

So no go . . still . . havent heard a peep . .

Not sure how I feel . . my child is entering the world in the next few weeks . . . what I do know is that this will seal the deal . . .

We can go easy . . or we can go hard . . .

If we go hard . . its on.

Lord . . please make this easy . . . I dont wanna be hard . . it hurts too much.

Getting this party started right . . .

I am back . . after a long time away . . this is the place to express and do ME . . without the fateful eyes watching . .

without self blame or self contempt

without fear .. .

and definitely without judgment.

There are two of me now . . the one who mothers and the mother who is one.

This is the place where the mother who is one and HAS won resides . . .

Keepin it 1000 . . . .

What is this thing called Love?

"I loved him. He needed time to think and that was ok- he was worth waiting for... and waiting for... and waiting for. Finally I realized I had waited away my life for an answer he had already given me: Had he loved me back, I would not have had to wait."
- Anonymous

I read this quote today . .after a man I am . . . dating, seeing, f*&%-ing, deleted a heart felt message that I wrote and displayed in public. Now that may not sound so bad . . but when you are caught up in the rapture . . .

Fuck him .. .

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily . . life is but a game . . .

NOTE: This blog is for me . . read it if you like . . but it gets the shit out of my head . . .

For the last few days, I have been out of control . . in fact . . I feel like this lack of control has been hovering on the horizon . . waiting for an opportunity to break in and rear its ugly head . . . for a long time coming. I have been holding onto everything so tightly - my life, my friends, my lovers, anything that I could control . . the great thing is that what I could control, I did . . and well . ..

That which I didn't, I relinquished . . .. under the guise of I don't give a sh&%, it didn't matter, it was some BS anyway - all the while - knowing full well that it was, simply, a reaction to the game (Wow - that is a trip to recognize about yourself . . .)

What I have found and am continuing to find is that when you are out here making it on your own is . . . pay attention . . . is that you can make the game whatever you want it to be without fear of repercussion because after all . .your life is the game that YOU make it . . . how YOU define it . . . the rules, the equipment, the location and most importantly . . the players . . .

Ha!!!

The players are probably THE most important part of the game . . . they set the tone . . they SHAPE the rules . . one shot can deliver the winning score, leading to a Gatorade soak OR they can CHEAT and throw the whole thing into OVERTIME . . messing it up for everybody and keeping everyone on the edge of their seats.

Lately, my games have hit double and triple OT and it really calls for a certain level of patience that is unrivaled in my life . . .

The concept of Patience and Waiting will have to wait for another time . . but this is where I am today . . .

Today's game is running smoothly but who knows the 4th quarter hasn't hit yet . . .

The Setting

So ... here is the thought .. a blog for simple musings. No political statements, no rantings and ravings . . just a place to share thoughts that may or may not be meaningful to anyone but me. But I am just vain enough to believe that someone may want to read it. Stay tuned . . . more meaningless things to come